January 6, 2020

A Totally Unbiased Review of Our Miraculous MCAT Company (Just Reading This Article is Guaranteed to Raise Your Score)

A Totally Unbiased Review of Our Miraculous MCAT Company (Just Reading This Article is Guaranteed to Raise Your Score)

By: Ryan Kelly

We know what you’re thinking – oh god, another MCAT sales pitch that’s masked by clickbait and empty promises.

Indeed, most MCAT companies’ “advice articles” consist of links to their courses, services, and packages, all with exorbitant price tags.

But not us – we’re better than that! We’re not here to insult your intelligence (much)! We’re not here to give you false hope (much)! We’re not here to dupe you with a long con (much)!

There’s an old saying that “if something sounds too good to be true, it is,” but we promise, nay guarantee, that our Savvy Pre-med MCAT Company is everything you’ve ever dreamed of when it comes to MCAT prep.

As our title indicates, our prep is nothing short of a MIRACLE!

We used to be the best kept secret in med school admissions, but our services are so popular and effective that we’ve gotten the attention of the AAMC.

That’s right – there’s a rumor circulating that the AAMC is going to completely alter the MCAT test format, all in an attempt to thwart our foolproof formula! So don’t miss out! Get in while the getting’s good!

A Totally Unbiased Review of Our Miraculous MCAT Company

Huh, you might be thinking, how can a company give an unbiased review for its own MCAT services?

Good question! The answer is simply that we’re special. We’re different. Sure, everyone else is biased, but we’re not. We PROMISE!

But don’t just take our word for it! Read the completely unbiased student testimonials below (which we definitely didn’t write ourselves), and find out for yourself why our new MCAT company is the talk of the pre-med world!

The Savvy Pre-med MCAT Company

Worried about time or expenses? Never fear! We have packages to fit ANYONE’S NEEDS, no matter how broke or desperate you are!

The Beggars Can’t Be Choosers Package (100% FREE)

Late on your rent? Knee-deep in loans? Living out of your car? If you answered YES, then this is the package for you.

Under the BCBC Package, you get this article (remember: just reading it is guaranteed to raise your score!). You also get access to our Savvy Pre-med blog (already free), our Savvy Pre-med podcast (already free), and our Savvy Pre-med newsletter (already free).

Man, talk about value! It’s like we’re just giving it away!

Past Student Testimonial:

“The Beggars Package was perfect for my budget and needs. I had no idea how many amazing services were already available to me. It was staring me in the face the whole time, and I just couldn’t see it! Thanks, Savvy MCAT! You changed my life!”

The “Pay for Play” Package ($–$$$$)

On a tight budget? Living from paycheck to paycheck? Then our “Pay for Play” Package is perfect for your needs. This package allows you to buy services a la carte, as needed, so that you only pay for what you really want.

$ – A weekly phone call from the Savvy MCAT president, just to cheer you up and offer much needed words of encouragement.

$$ – A custom list of schools that matches your MCAT score (who needs the MSAR?)

$$$ – We find you a bunch of blind dates online so that you don’t have to worry about maintaining a social life while studying for the test.

$$$$ – A cave in a remote mountain location that you can rent out. Perfect for studying in complete silence and isolation.

Past Student Testimonial:

“I couldn’t afford the premium services, but Savvy MCAT worked with me every step of the way! You won’t find a more flexible waste of time anywhere else!”  

The Drill Sergeant Package ($$)

Sure, you could read our various articles by MCAT experts, but what if you could hire one as your own personal trainer?

Under the Drill Sergeant Package, your personal MCAT trainer will break into your home every morning and wake you up with an airhorn. Then it’s time to sweat. No pain, no gain. Here are some examples of what to expect:

*CARS Crossfit

*Tough Mudder Biology

*Physics Marathon

*Social Science P90-X  

We know that your physical health is key to your mental performance, so we’ll pull out all the stops!

Past Student Testimonial:

“I’m someone who needs external motivation, so the Drill Sergeant Package was perfect for me. Sure, I nearly died from exhaustion and was completely miserable, but I developed the discipline and joyless lifestyle I needed to thrive. Thanks, Savvy MCAT!”

The No-Brainer Package ($$$)

This package certainly lives up to its name! If you purchase the No-Brainer, you won’t have to think at all! You’ll receive advanced copies of the MCAT exams and answer keys, no questions asked.  

How do we secure these documents? Is this even legal?

Like we said, NO QUESTIONS ASKED! (that includes you)

Past Student Testimonial:

“I was blown away when the test and answer key arrived at my door two days before my test, all wrapped in a neat little bow. It was like magic. I don’t know what I would have done without Savvy MCAT. Highly recommended!”

The “Chad” Package ($$$$)

Why take the MCAT when you can have someone else take it for you?

Our thoughts exactly!

That’s why we’ve hired Chad, our expert MCAT test-taker, to wear a disguise and take the test in your place. Our makeup and wardrobe departments (Hollywood rejects) will work their magic until Chad is your perfect doppelgänger. He’ll even be able to pass for you at your family reunions (an added bonus).

Don’t worry, we’ll superimpose your fingerprints and retinal scans, just to be safe! Under his impeccable disguise, Chad will show up on your chosen date and score a perfect 528 for you, GUARANTEED!

Past Student Testimonial:

“I admit that I was skeptical about the legality and risks of The ‘Chad’ Package, but it was totally worth it! Sure, I’ll have heavy guilt weighing on my conscience for years to come, but I got into Yale, so who needs ethics or a clean record? Thanks, Chad, and more importantly, thanks, Savvy MCAT!”

AUTHOR’S NOTE: If you haven’t picked up on it by now, this article is SATIRE!

We don’t actually have an MCAT prep company.

But our “Savvy MCAT Company” is inspired by the many shameless plugs for paid services that we’ve seen in other MCAT companies’ articles.

On a more serious note, it’s also inspired us to create ACTUAL reviews of REAL MCAT companies and compile a definitive ranking system!

Stay tuned throughout the month of January to find out which companies (if any) are the best for you!

Have questions about MCAT prep? Let us know in the comments below and we’ll respond to you personally!

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